You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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