I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
