I showed him my bush... on skype.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
