so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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