just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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