I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
