I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
