Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
