i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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