at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
