Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
