I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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