My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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