T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
