this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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