No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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