I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
