i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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