I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
