My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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