just come out here and I will go home with you...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
it's like iHOP with fire
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
