I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
