she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
