if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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