After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
