I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
