Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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