I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
