Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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