So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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