Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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