Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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