Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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