what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
