You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
