the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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