i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
