look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
