I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
