I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
