3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She needs sedatives and a leash
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
