That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
