Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
