then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
