dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
