They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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