also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
