I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
