So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
