I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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