can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
