I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
