k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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