when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
